There's this scene in Breaking Bad where Walter says something along the lines of: "If I could have lived up to just that moment, and not a second longer, that would have been perfect."
It's stuck with me on days like today. I think I know my perfect moment. It was junior year, and I made a project that everyone really seemed to dig. People I didn't know recognized me from the school news. They liked it. It was good. I did a good job. I really wish I would have died that day.
So much has happened since then, only so much of it good.
I can't tell if things will ever have a chance of getting better, if that perfect moment is still to come, or if that day in junior year was it, and I'm just too cowardly to kill myself. I can't do that. I know it. There are people it would crush. That's the worst part. I can't even escape it without causing more pain to them than I already do.
I try to lock myself in this mental prison. No more friends. No love, not that I'm any good at that anyway. I can't hurt anyone if no one loves me. But that doesn't work.
People will always pull you back in. They will always "reach out" when they decide they love you that day. I don't know where exactly I went wrong in my stupid thinking, but ever since junior year passed, I've truly felt like I was just a shitty guy.
I can't say these things to people I know. Only to you, strangers, if anyone perchance even reads all this crap. But that's why I loved this site from the beginning. No one here knows who I am. I can confess to strangers. I can take that mask of a happy guy off. The truth is I'm just a stupid sad man, and I fear I always be the reason my life sucks.
I suck, and I know it. I really do hate the person that I am. I hate a lot of things around me. I try to tell people that, and they think I'm just being too harsh and cynical. I called it realism, but what do I know?
I really wish they'd just let me leave this prison, but since they won't, I'll have to just live out my days wishing I didn't.